The Roller Coaster of Our IVF Journey: A Personal Story of Fertility and Hope

Heart breaking, difficult, but beautiful

The words above are what I would use to describe IVF, In Vitro Fertilization. The night we got married, we began trying for kids and three years in nothing. I had always been very healthy and so had he so we didn't know what was going on. I finally decided to go to the fertility doctor which to be honest made me very sad and angry. I remember going to those first testing appointments and I felt bad for just being there.

Fast-forward a few months, they couldn't find anything wrong with me or Ben, my husband, to this day it was unexplained infertility. Thankfully, we got into a study for IVF, which included free IVF sessions. Before the study began, they asked me if I wanted to try IUI, Intrauterine Insemination, which is the turkey baster method. I wanted a child so badly and soon I said yes. I still remember being at a professional development for work and getting the call that it failed. I walked outside and started crying and a construction man was just looking at me. The nurse on the phone told me, oh,  I thought you would've known by taking a pregnancy test. I felt like such a fool for having hope and for not taking a pregnancy test to prepare myself for bad news.

Anyways, then started the IVF study. It was exciting, but also very hard with all the shots and the doctor's visits. I began to research and study and become as knowledgeable as I could about IVF. We did our egg retrieval and got five eggs. Then our first two transfers I actually had a positive pregnancy test at home. I didn't know what a chemical pregnancy was at the time. I still remember going to our first doctor's visit. Ben and I were so excited because we thought we were pregnant. I felt sick and everything. Well, the doctor told me I wasn't pregnant and I came home and just sat outside in my garden and cried. I remember sitting out there for hours just feeling so lost and sad. I felt like I had lost a baby although I hadn’t really. I had lost something though, something serious, I just wasn’t sure how to name it. I was one of those people whose entire life wanted five kids. Now I didn't even know if I could have one. And I knew that I would be an amazing mother. I was completely heartbroken.

We continued to transfer two more embryos separately in the study. They both failed. I remember begging the doctor let’s just transfer the last embryo and she looked at me with these sad eyes knowing it wasn't going to work. She told me no I won't transfer the last embryo. You need something else. Even though the study was so hard I learned a lot and on the financial aspect, it was free.

I had a friend who had gone to CNY Fertility in New York, which was an affordable fertility clinic. In 2021, I was quoted almost $30,000 to start over and begin again IVF in Houston but in New York it was half the cost. So again I studied and researched and try to learn as much as I could about IVF in New York. We went to New York and did our next egg retrieval which was a lot more painful than our first egg retrieval, and I ended up in the emergency room. In that time, I also transferred our last embryo from Houston to New York, which didn't make the trip and essentially wasn't a good embryo.

This time I tested our embryos to make sure they were good and I told them I wanted every drug under the sun. For our first transfer in NY because we had had so many failures they asked me if I wanted to transfer two embryos. I said yes, a boy and a girl, because honestly, I didn't think it would work the first time. I even had a procedure scheduled a month later to help me have children in case this transfer failed. Anyways, the day they called me that the transfer took, I cried in happiness. I left work early to go buy a onesie to go home and tell Ben. I was so excited but still so scared. I was so scared I would lose these two babies too. Honestly, that fear never really goes away. You become a mother.

I went back to CNY about a year and a half later, when I was 35 years old, to try to have my third child, Jonah. It took two transfers for his to take. Even though I already had twins when I got the call that the first transferred didn't take I cried. I think no matter what procedures to help with infertility are hard.

A few things I learned out of the many going through IVF…

It's OK to be mad and sad.

There were times that I wouldn't talk to anyone about it. I got mad at Ben when he would talk to people about it. I got mad when people would ask me about it. I didn't want to go to baby showers and I didn't want to be around babies. Anytime I did go to a baby shower, I would leave early and go home and cry alone.

I'm not in control.

This was the first time I really had something medically wrong with me. I had always thought if you try hard enough, you could get what you wanted, but this was completely out of my control. I told myself I wasn't going to stop trying until either we were broke or the doctor told me I had to stop.

On the other hand, I was reminded that I was not in control when our fourth child came, Micah, he came naturally with no doctor's help. I honestly didn't believe in miracles until Micah. I had forgotten that life or God can just do some really nice things for you sometimes. Micah was my good thing. Micah was my miracle.

It helped me learn more about myself.

I now can use this to help so many women. As a therapist, I can relate to women going through these struggles and help them to know that it's OK how they're feeling. I understand that the medication adds on to what you're already feeling. I can teach them coping and thinking strategies to make it through such difficult times. I understand the weight it brings on a marriage and the fights that might occur. I also understand the complexity of asking a woman, when are you going to have kids or are you going to have any more kids?

If you're struggling with infertility, please know that you are not alone. I myself did not want to talk to people, but I should've at least talked to one person or two. I shouldn't have shut people out. I'm sorry to the people that I shut out. For those of you struggling with infertility get a therapist, join support groups, add social media groups about infertility where you can talk to women going through same thing as you, get prayed over at church if that helps you. I am here if you need someone.  Thank you for reading about such a vulnerable time in my life.